Many know…we reside in Kirkwood, MO and so enjoy the perspectives and delight of keeping up with the local news via the small community newspaper, the TIMES, and as opportunity arises we embrace the gift of viewing life from a variety of lens’.
The article we are sharing here does just this. Here is an excerpt from an email exchange I shared with one such writer… “For quite a while now, I've found your articles in the Webster-Kirkwood TIMES so quaint and poignant! After tabbing another one of your articles, my husband urged me to reach out to you and offer you a link to the website we host, specifically, the BLOG portion. We love LIFE, LIVING, GIVING and LOVING on each other and those around us. Would you consider allowing us to feature YOU on our BLOG? The Petty Points article resonated at a variety of levels and is so appropriate at numerous levels of life.”…
And so here you go…Petty Points by Stefanie Downs…
For years, my husband and I played a game I like to call “Petty Points.” The only objective in
this game is to silently tally your misery and compare it to your spouse’s. For every wretched
task you do, you get a point- the more lousy the task, the more points it’s worth. Also, doing
anything relatively fun or fulfilling erases points on your side. If you are more miserable than
your partner, then your only reward is that you get to silently resent them. It really brought to life
that saying: play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
There was no consent to enter this game either, we just both sipped into it somehow. It then
became exponentially exacerbated when kids entered the picture. It was absolutely terrible.
After mentally calculating and comparing columns one day, I saw the toxic waste it was creating
inside of me. Despite my fierce competitive streak, I knew that the only thing worse than losing
was living like this; I made a conscious choice to bow out of the game.
I slowly started carving out time for myself, but in the beginning that time was laden with guilt.
He was still a torrent of energy swirling around me while I sat cross legged at the coffee table
and doodled.
The guilt that I felt was not necessarily coming from him either, it was an inside job. The same
voice in my head that would silently judge him for sitting and watching tv while I furiously folded
my third basket of laundry was now judging me. I was shaming myself for piddling away time
that could have been spent striving. I eventually gathered steam by prioritizing the things that
refueled me though, and I loosened my grip on the guilt.
In the last year, he finally dropped out of the game too and started taking care of himself. That
dull ache of misery has finally drained from his eyes, and I can see him freeing himself from the
shackles of shame.
We reflected on the changes we have seen in each other recently, and both of us agreed that
we like each other better when we take care of ourselves. Now he routinely asks me, “What are
you going to do for yourself this weekend?” Who knew that the only way for us to win was to
stop playing?
When you find yourself playing Petty Points, it’s really hard to end the cycle. You cannot just set
the scoreboard down unfortunately. (I tried that. I’d berate myself any time I accidentally started
tallying points, but shockingly that didn’t make anything better.) The only way out of the game is
to endure the guilt until you can ultimately reset your system to stop elevating your work ethic
above your well-being.
As always…we would love to have and hear your feedback…Feel free to share yours…
Here is ours…☺
Life ever so Full
Push shove pull
Here we go
And Oh NO!
Pondering points and keeping a score
Only leads to the frustrations of more
At times we are on a quest desiring a retrieve
Yet often surprised by fresh peace we receive
How will you consider to evolve?
Will you allow your heart a revolve?
Go forward today seeking positive recover…
When you do boundless JOY is set to hover!
© 2023 Kathleen Bauer, Ed D
Alongside her husband B