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Confirming the Meaning of the Message

Kathleen • March 9, 2020

When seeking thorough and lasting communication we will strive to acknowledge self and others while displaying kindness. This is easy to write, shows up in conversation at times, but living it out…a completely different task for sure!

It has often been stated, “Hindsight is 20/20”. With the calendar year we are currently in, so many are reflecting forward with hope and looking for clearer “vision” throughout this year, 2020. A new decade, fresh beginnings filled with a new lens to view life and situations through.

As we wrap up this communication series on Active Listening by prioritizing and giving attention to our Focus, Acknowledgement, & Asking Questions …the word CONFIRM rises up. Paraphrasing a message being shared using the following…

”What I hear you saying is…”

“Let me see if I understand you…”

“Please correct me if I am wrong…”

…may indeed be helpful…However, this is very different than “ parroting” or “ repeating”.

  Why might parroting a person not be the greatest idea?? To begin with, in the realm of conversation, one may feel like laziness is being conveyed or perhaps that just using the same words back, takes little to no effort. Parroting has a tendency to come across as being condescending or sarcastic.

On the other hand, how is paraphrasing beneficial? For the listener, it offers opportunity to connect with the speaker and ensure accuracy for what is being conveyed…for the speaker, there is opportunity to feel heard and may give a different perspective of understanding themselves and how they are communicating (or not)…

Reflecting on those all too familiar moments when one feels desperate to feel known and understood… My husband Brian and I were recalling a situation he encountered early in his pre-career. As you may or may not know, he has an extensive background in the realm of mental health. A therapist who desires to counsel others, he has numerous stories of attempts, successes, and as we all experience, some tough situations that may be viewed as “failures in waiting”. The process of communication can easily be tangled.

Brian’s up close, very real and personal experience as a practicum student … I can still remember my professor teaching us how to paraphrase well and distinctly reminding us NOT to parrot in the realm of counseling and especially when the emotional stakes are fragile, tender, and intense…After this concept was reviewed early in the week…I had a Thursday late evening session with a specific couple I was working with regularly. Along with other issues at hand, they displayed verbal hostility toward each other…

So there we were, in session… shortly after being taught to NOT parrot others. I was tired, young in my career, desiring to get it all right and…in the middle of the raging, one partner screamed intensely… “I AM SO ANGRY”!

Internally, I was struggling, feeling hopeless for their relationship, unsure about my skills, and I looked up, made eye contact, and promptly said, “You are really ANGRY aren’t you?”. At this moment, with flames shooting out of her eyes she intensely YELLED at me… “YES I AM AND STOP REPEATING ME”.

YIKES!! Note to self: don’t ever parrot another person as long as you live and my professor was RIGHT on!! Listen and implement BRIAN!!

SO…What was needful in that moment?…Perhaps something like this…”You are really fearful aren’t you? Fearful that this relationship will not last. Devastated that you are going to be embarrassed in front of your friends and family when this blows up and out. Fearful about the financial ramifications as you have strapped yourself so tightly in? Desiring deeply to be loved and valued? Words such as these were needful, and may have been a much better attempt in paraphrasing to capture the essence the issues and confirm the message in the moment of PAIN at hand. This would not have only tested my understanding of this client, but perhaps offered her an avenue to understand herself and emotions more fully.

Situations call for messages of confirmation whether intensely happy, connective, disappointing, or deeply sad. Viewing mindfully and empathetically matters.

A question coming to mind is…how will you cultivate yourself as you lean into authentic listening, hearing, and confirming those around you? Feel free to join in the conversation!

Acknowledging and Asking will achieve Confirmation
 Collecting all thoughts may bring unity in summation

All of these together provide adequate direction to pursue
 Drawing together hearts souls minds and a refreshed view!

© Kathleen Bauer, Ed D 2020

CHRISTMAS in JULY

By Loving Lifelong Learning • July 16, 2024
CHRISTMAS in JULY?!?! What? Recently, after being at the STL Soccer game and watching the effort by our CITY team, Brian and I were headed home and listening to the KMOX broadcast of the Cardinal game. We barely made it in the house to turn on the TV and watch the Cardinals WIN! It was their second VICTORY of the DAY! At some point during the 9th inning while we were doing this, I noticed a phrase at the bottom of our screen…It read, “ CHRISTMAS in JULY”! Immediately…this phrase jettisons me back to yesteryear; watching the Venture, K-Mart and Famous-Barr (your Christmas ANGEL store…!) ads as child. It never felt all the way right when the sales would begin describing Christmas and Winter Holidays when we were anticipating fireworks displays, heading to the pool, playing kickball in the yard, and collecting fireflies. Ahhhhhh CHRISTMAS in JULY! To me, these words, CHRISTMAS in JULY, stir up music in my heart, mind and soul. While we do not feel ready for the Holiday Season to embark on us at this very minute, Brian and I LOVE the thought of CELEBRATION, FAMILY, FUN, & LOVE! Do you? What brings music to your ears? How does your heart experience an extra surge of happy beats? Is it a beautiful display of fireworks like many have taken in lately? Is it the laughter of children in the neighborhood playing? Perhaps it is an array of special people in your life or maybe even some important memories of days gone by. Throughout July, maybe we take some time to reflect on what has been and what is yet to come by the time we will be making it through another calendar year. Has any event or happening resonated deeply with you? Among our summer favorites, we have integrated some small house and yard projects, sought to carve new paths within our daily work, intentionally focused upon being “there” for some, and have centered in on embracing the unpredicted events and opportunities we have been offered. So, whether you celebrate Christmas or not, as you head to local sporting events, enjoy a favorite cool summer treat with those you love or simply enjoy the longer daylight hours of summer with taking just one more walk through the neighborhood, try to find moments to savor and embrace all of the beautiful; past, present and yet to come. Do you find yourself already anticipating another holiday to come? Try not to resist or overlook the potential adventures awaiting in the here and nearly NOW! And, just sayin’…the ULTIMATE Christmas in July for US this year? Well, it is fast approaching as we anticipate the arrival of some of our dear extended family dropping in for a visit very soon…the elements of surprise and joy and new memories to make loom sure. To us, this is simply the BEST & that’s a WINNER! Through the years Amidst life’s fears Whether it is in December or July Or any other month, time flies by From then & onto now A heart surge & WOW Perspective matters Amidst life shatters Whoever you are with & whatever you do Delight in each & every moment…be TRUE Memories & photos galore Of those we so much adore At the Grand Hotel Our hearts did swell From Ted Drewes to CITY & Cardinal Nation Our people are with us in fresh anticipation For the unexpected to be yet lead the way As newfound memories are formed today Stirring arrays of enlightened emotion Amidst loved ones and the commotion Seek for reasons to celebrate Letting JOY & PEACE infiltrate Always find memories of days gone away By looking ahead to walk into another day More than research or reflection Relationships deserve protection As with a sundae topped with whipped cream & a cherry Lean into and embrace every moment and do not tarry Cherish the treasures of life and good all year long Clean out spiff up and with possibility move along With agility finding our best attitude Coloring every bit of life in gratitude Lean into the BEAUTY-FULL Embrace the WONDER-FULL As always we invite you to the party of reminiscing, celebrating or sharing…your thoughts are welcome…so join the conversation. © 2024 Kathleen Bauer, Ed D Alongside her husband B 

Ahhhhhh Flooded with Nostalgia!

By Loving Lifelong Learning • May 28, 2024
Ahhhhhh Flooded with Nostalgia! Have you ever been filled or overflowing with Nostalgia which flowed in like a tsunami? So what is nostalgia?? It is sometimes defined as a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for a possible return to some past period. Nostalgia may also invoke a sense of homesickness or invite cherished memories of days gone by. Nostalgia is triggered by something reminding an individual of an event or item from their past. This resulting emotion can vary from happiness to sorrow. The term "feeling nostalgic" is more commonly used to describe pleasurable experiences but can actually also be triggered by times of sadness or discomfort. Nostalgia is one way of coping with things in life like social isolation or disconnectedness, loneliness. Times of adversity can trigger nostalgia because remembering who we were and where we have been helps us to identify how we want to grow forward and offer us elements of continuity to do so. Nostalgia is known to serve several important psychological purposes and we can distinguish three types… Restorative, longing for the restoration of a lost comfort or home or feeling or person; Utopian, transforming our longing into an idealistic feeling or memory; Reflective, leading us to focus on recovering from a perceived loss as we ponder questions of our past history. Why is nostalgia so “powerful”? Some experts in the field have found that nostalgia activates a network of brain regions which are involved in memory, emotion, and reward. These regions assist us in retrieving memories and processing emotions. Hopefully these emotional events produce a loop of positive emotions eventually, and assist or help us through times of transition and uncertainty. Additionally, they may serve to boost our hearts and brighten our outlook on the future as these memories remind us of our ability to grow and persevere. Nostalgia can offer feelings of pleasure, good, settled, comfortable… Nostalgia can awaken sadness and stir memories… What sorts of memories bring you to feeling nostalgic? Are they pleasant? Peaceful? Thought provoking? Perhaps sad or maybe even distressing? Maybe some nostalgic emotions are filled with pressure for some reason and truly do not feel okay. Whatever feelings of nostalgia that rise up in us, we have them, and regardless of our feelings or perspectives, we may want consider working through them in order to grow and move forward in life. Some feelings of nostalgia which come up for me might resonate with some of us gathered here as well… Simply the word… HOME Family Going home A special song or tune floating through the air like “…and I think to myself…what a wonderful WORLD…” Fresh baked cookies…YUM! Grilling out A favorite dish or pie The smell of home The smell of spring…and fresh grass growing Baseball season, the crack of the bat… Or fresh rain A Creek or Lake Going fishing or hiking FAMOUs BARR French Onion Soup…(wait…am I dating myself??!) The Forest or woods The beach or mountains The last day of school, graduation ceremonies… Covid 19 Pandemic, the Loss of a loved one… For many reasons we can all easily become flooded with Nostalgia. Recently…Brian and I attended a conference event in Washington D.C. and as we were walking down the street of the National Mall…I was FLOODED with Nostalgia… Not only because of hearing The Star Spangled Banner done beautifully at the conference venue earlier that day, not just because we had been to Arlington cemetery to honor those who have served our country…while these were amazing experiences, walking down the streets of Washington D. C. being reminded of the sights and sounds I recalled visiting numerous times growing up and then several times in younger adulthood with our son David, and one other time with Brian…my emotions of nostalgia were gushing in like a water fall! I simply cannot be there without nostalgia filling me…but not in regard to the above listed. The nostalgia I feel when I am in our nation’s capital typically reverts back to one specific time there…where my parents, dear friends, one of whom was a physician and other extended family members who lived in the area were touring. Among the other sightseeing and touring plans…on one specific morning our entire group was headed to the White House for a VIP tour…Having relatives live nearby we had been before but absolutely loved the opportunity to return and be reminded of America the Beautiful! The morning of, I awakened and oh dear I felt AWFUL! Now I am not often sick, nor was I a sickly child growing up, I achieved perfect attendance throughout my school years. So I went to my Mom and told her I wasn’t feeling well, to which she replied, “Oh you’re fine, we don’t want to ruin anyone’s time here. Get dressed come on down to breakfast because we have VIP tickets to the White House today!” So I aimed to pull my young self together and fumbled to the dining room. When I mentioned I was not at all hungry, I was told by both my Mom and her identical twin sister that I needed to eat some Wheaties! And so I did, (hint…this did not turn out well!). Let’s fast forward a few hours after a half hour drive to downtown D.C. a walk to the White House VIP line to stand in and wait. It was July. I was fading and FAST. I continued feeling like I wanted to just sit or lay down anywhere…and as a tweenager, this was not “cool”. But the longer the day carried on the worse and worse I felt. Persevere I did…so we finally make it into the White House…I barely made it through our tour, when all of a sudden, we arrived to the classic space we have all seen for years on TV where the podium sits beyond a RED carpet, the American Flag is placed in front of the Blue Curtain which displays an emblem of The White House…Yes, right there in that spot, by body could no longer hold onto the Wheaties I had complied to eat earlier in the day and I threw up…I was so incredibly ILL…Our VIP tour turned into a chaotic mess with… Secret Service coming out of the walls from hidden doorways… Family shocked… Guests appalled… And my Mother and I being whisked through a doorway down a stair well to a bathroom for freshening up… Now, on to the rest of this day and for another few days, my family and friends continued touring and sightseeing, having me trapse along, just KNOWING I would be better soon…However, I did not recover, I became weaker and weaker and weaker…YIKES! What was happening??? So…the rest of the story is…I ended up with an extended stay in the Washington D.C./Virginia area and had to endure an emergency appendectomy while there. All along it was my appendix. Wow! Who knew? No one! So when I say Nostalgia is not always a “WARMING or COMFORTING” thought it’s not right?! The greater question for us is… When we are flooded with nostalgia…WHAT do we do with it? How are we to handle it? Do we introspect and try to grow forward? Are we able to use nostalgia as a springboard for another level of healthiness? Where does self-care fit into nostalgia? So…why? Why do I share this with you? Partly because this season we are in right now can definitely be one of nostalgia inviting sentimentality and reflection. So I share this story with you to encourage you along the path of life. It is my firm belief there is not ever waste to any experience we have endured. Not all nostalgic experiences feel comfortable… yet…We can still learn from them! When we feel or perhaps fear there may be some wasted spaces and places we have tread, or positions we find ourselves in or even new opportunities which arise. Perhaps, regardless of our stage in life it is time to recycle, repurpose and reuse these emotions to mindfully move along the path of life. As we go through the here and now and circumstances seem to spin out of control, regardless of the situation, memories, moments or hardships we are enduring, may we quest for settling into the flooding of memories, savoring the best and the beautiful as we learn from each scenario. Not long ago, our grown son was over and we were sharing robust conversation with him. Very organically, the topic of nostalgia came up. He began unfolding his view on nostalgia and mentioned emphatically the fact that people often only use the word as attached to super positive memories. Brian answered him saying, you know Mom has had some things to say on this lately. And as I agreed, I may have been heard saying while smiling… “Ahhhhhh that’s my son!” And of course I was once again… Flooded with Nostalgia! Seasons of Nostalgia…those sentimental longings, and deep affections for the past and personal associations. Every reminiscence, remembrance, and recollection, which whisks us away to different times…may we embrace them as a reminder to dig deep and strengthen on! Let us revel in each and every situation Finding peace and grace and celebration Through the years Beyond our tears With mindful presence Illuminating our essence Truth to discern Each & every turn Find hope & song To pull you along Ever strong and true and bold As our story is shared and told © 2024 Kathleen Bauer, Ed D Alongside her husband B

In Honor of SEL Day… March 11th

By Loving Lifelong Learning • March 11, 2024
By now in your journey… regardless of age or stage, you have most likely heard the term “SEL” or Social Emotional Learning. But what does it really and truly imply? SEL is a detailed and multi-faceted process through which we function by; understanding and managing emotions, making plans and striving to achieve goals, feeling and expressing empathy and thought for others, establishing and maintaining positive and healthy relationships, and displaying responsibility in decision making. Extending far beyond personal feelings, SEL is an ongoing process of merging what one knows to be true in a situation and then implementing appropriate skills and actions to direct and take the next steps and so on. SEL skills do need to be taught and practiced, lived out. Similar to other natural bents, some individuals are inclined and wired more instinctively to implement effective SEL competencies into real life situations. When prioritizing SEL in life, components of EQ or Emotional Intelligence will undoubtedly rise up. Possessing qualities of emotional intelligence will lead us to face life and the inevitable crisis points with lower stress levels and fewer overreactions. Self and social-awareness and management of self and relationships are the focus. Maintaining self-awareness and accepting one’s own capabilities and limitations leads to a strong foundation for being impactful in achieving success in self-help and growth, benefiting those around us, and fostering an overall sense of peace and happiness. Effectively navigating through life, an abundance of situations offer opportunity. Opportunity to lead even when it is not the title given to you, opportunity to stay quiet when you desperately yearn to set the record straight or prove your point, opportunity to speak up when you feel emotionally and physically tongue tied. We all have had and will continue to have growth experiences in the realm of Social Emotional Learning and its implementation. Are you able to articulate benefits you have gained thus far from seeking to learn and integrate SEL into your own life? Will you be willing to probe deeper? When have you struggled to implement SEL? Truth be known, we’ve all been there right? In the midst of an unbelievable conflict, one we may not have seen coming and could never have imagined…what happens in that moment? Seek to find commonalities of life experiences, both positive and negative, build on them well with a hope to acquire fresh skills, and hone in on the “important” and lasting impacts. After this…take the risk to make needful life, heart, and soul adjustments…This is an ongoing, thought provoking and HONEST process…Go for it! What are the differences in our emotional stances which may lead us to pursue better comprehension of our own heart and mind, embracing another person’s situation, and then demonstrating an appropriate and respectful demeanor amidst chaos and edginess that in the moment feels impossible to navigate through? Bottom line question…Where are you in your journey? It is not ever too late to learn Find a way to take a fresh turn Many talk about being well-rounded Consider options to keep you grounded In strength manage yourself and understand Impact for good no matter where you land With courage, confidence, and initiative Challenge yourself to live appreciative Embracing self and others mind and soul Making a plan to achieve the next goal Take each deliberate step abandoning haste Not one experience will you want to waste When called upon to sympathize Willingly take the risk to empathize Even with limitations and a lack of access Trust and wait and believe in the process Mindfully journeying leads to a continuum of health Social Emotional Learning offers heart and soul wealth © 2024 Kathleen Bauer, Ed D Alongside her husband B Add into this conversation by sharing personal experiences & scenarios!
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